"But I'm not a leader"

On the mindsets that hold back the "everyday employees" we actually want and need in positions of leadership

They say you can’t call yourself a leader until you’ve helped someone else become one.

It’s true—leadership, after all, is fundamentally people-oriented in nature. The end result might be a specific product, service, or mission, but it’s unlocking the potential within the people behind the product that ultimately gets us there. Leadership is a relational act. It’s the thing that happens in the way we guide, support, and nurture the people around us. Leadership is about people.

And so it makes sense that we all need the support of other leaders as we move towards and through our own leadership journeys. We need mentors, allies in the trenches, accountability partners, examples to follow, stories to challenge. Good leaders often show us what’s possible before we can fully imagine it on our own. They light the path, charting the course for what’s to come.

But I also believe we shouldn’t focus so much on the folks who are already occupying positions of leadership. Sure, their influence matters. But they’re not the whole story. Instead, we need to look at the untapped individuals in the midst of those more tenured leaders. Those who’ve not yet been formally tapped, but who are embedded in the day-to-day, quietly doing more with less, supporting their colleagues with grace and care, having hard conversations, and so much more.

One of the reasons I started Honest Office is because I’ve seen how little effort goes into preparing the leaders of tomorrow—especially those stepping into positions in which they’re leading people for the very first time. Too often, we hand folks a title, but no tools. No support. No clarity on what it means to now be responsible to the people they lead.

I say responsible to versus responsible for intentionally. Leadership needs to be centered around accountability, relationships, and trust, first—before any of the other stuff, like deliverables and outcomes. But this also means that leadership comes with considerable power and privilege. We’d be remiss to ignore the fact that bosses play a significant role in the lives of those they supervise—not only inside the office, but beyond it, too. As such, I find it pretty shocking that we don’t do more to build a sustainable pipeline of highly effective and deeply human leaders.

While I’ll be spending a lot more time on the topic of leadership preparation and training in the upcoming weeks, today’s post is a bit more foundational. Not foundational as in simple, but foundational as in what we need to understand before anything else can really start to make sense—the stuff we often skip because it seems either too obvious or too needlessly arduous, even if it’s a big reason why things come crashing down later.

If we’re going to do better when it comes to preparing our leaders, we need to consider what happens before. We need to start earlier—before someone raises their hand or sees themselves as “leadership material.” We need to understand the mindsets that hold back the folks we actually want and need in leadership. I’m talking the so-called “everyday employee.” The “rank and file” cadet who belongs anywhere but in formation. The people who are grounded, trusted, and often already leading, albeit quietly. We need to know what’s going on with them. What they’re seeing. What they’re experiencing. What’s holding them back.

“We need to understand the mindsets that hold back the everyday employees we actually want and need in leadership—the people who are grounded, trusted, and often already leading, albeit quietly.”

Because truthfully, many of the people we actually want and need in formal leadership roles are opting out. It’s not because they lack potential—on the contrary, their potential is significant—but because we’ve sent them the wrong messages about what leadership is, what it requires, and who it’s for.

Here’s what my work as a coach, leader, and mentor of young professionals has taught me about the mindsets that so often deter good people from pursuing formal positions of leadership:

• “I’m not the loudest person in the room.”
  Translation: I’ve been told that visibility equates to volume, but I like to listen first.

• “I hate politics.”
  Translation: I value transparency, but leadership looks like power hoarding rather than power sharing.

• “I just want to do my work.”
  Translation: I’m competent, but it seems like day-to-day execution is less valuable than big picture stuff in leadership.

• “I don’t have the title for that.”
  Translation: I’m carrying this really important initiative, but no one has acknowledged it.

• “I don’t want to be responsible for other people.”
  Translation: I’ve seen bad leadership hurt people, and I don’t want to be part of that.

• “I’m not trying to climb the ladder.”
  Translation: Leadership seems like it’s less about service and more about ego. I just want to do meaningful work.

• “I don’t know enough.”
  Translation: I love learning, but leaders act like they know everything.

• “I sometimes make mistakes.”
  Translation: Leadership values perfection, not growth.

• “I don’t fit the mold.”
  Translation: I engage a bit differently—more relational, more reflective, more human—but it doesn’t seem like that’s the kind of leadership that’s celebrated.

• “I’m not ready.”
  Translation: I’ve internalized the idea that leadership is a destination we arrive at, rather than a never-ending journey.

Too often, folks opt out not because they lack potential, but because they’ve never seen a version of leadership that looks and feels right.

But what if we started to change that?

What if we started having hard conversations, asking the hard questions that unearth the really important experiences and sentiments behind why the leaders we need often hold themselves back (and with our help sometimes, too)?

What if we told people, early and often, that good leadership starts with a deep sense of care and reflection instead of charisma and readiness?

And what if we stopped asking whether someone wants to “climb the ladder,” and instead asked: what kind of impact do you want to have?

So if you’re a new or aspiring leader, take a moment for a small self-audit:

• “Which of these mindsets are potentially holding me back?”

• “What could I begin to change?”

And if you’re a bit more tenured as a leader, consider the following:

• “How am I showing up?”

• “Which of these mindsets am I perpetuating?”

• “How can I start to change the narrative?”

Leaders have a responsibility to cultivate the next generation. And we shouldn’t forget that we can’t actually call ourselves leaders until we’ve helped someone else get there.

Did you do the audit? Share a takeaway in the comments below!